• Ryan O'Connell

Trump Holds Final Press Conference on Chinese Virus

Updated: Mar 23, 2020

March 22, 2020

Thank you all for being here tonight, though I guess as journalists you have no choice, right? Just kidding. Tonight, I am announcing several important, unprecedented steps to defeat the Chinese virus once and for all. As I have told you many times before, this is a pandemic, and we have to do everything necessary to protect Americans. First, I and the other members of my Administration are working flat out to build on the incredible progress we’ve already achieved. We don’t have time for these hour-plus press conferences. We are very tired of answering your nasty, negative questions, which are disrespectful of the President. You are also upsetting the American people, which is disgraceful and unpatriotic. So this will be our last press conference. No more wasting time! We will continue to keep the American people informed, of course. The Vice President and I will do an interview with Sean Hannity every week to give everyone an update on the fantastic progress we’re making.

Sean’s a good reporter, very polite. Maybe we’ll also have Dr. Fazzy, from time to time, we’ll have to see. Frankly, I know more about this stuff now than he does. Second, as you know, it is critical that we stop public gatherings. We’ve even closed down Mar-A-Lago and my golf courses. That’s very tough on the members, very hard, but we had to do it. It’s costing me a lot of money, too, but that’s okay. I will therefore be issuing an executive order to postpone the election for a while. I know that the radical Socialist Democrats will attack me on this, they’re always ganging up on the President. But we have to do this for the good of our country. It’s time for Americans to stand together and put aside our petty differences.

And let’s face it, do you really want Slow Joe or Crazy Bernie running the country at a time like this? I don’t think so. You want Trump to handle this crisis. President Putin showed great vision on this issue a few weeks ago, when he abolished term limits in Russia. I’ve consulted with him on this matter, and President Putin agreed with me that it’s very important to have stable leadership during a crisis like this. Especially when the leader’s a genius, he told me. We’re in this for the long haul, my fellow Americans, and I alone can beat this virus. To keep everyone super-safe, I’m cancelling elections for the next eight years. Things will have calmed down by then, trust me, and Ivanka will be ready to take over the business. I’m very proud that Ivanka will be America’s first female president, and I know that she will be fabulous.

Third, and this is a really tremendous move, we’re going to kill two birds with one stone.

As you all know, this is a Chinese virus. So we’re going to build a huge network of special communities for Chinese people living here in America. That’s people from China and people whose parents or grandparents came from China. We have to be thorough about protecting Americans from the virus. Safety first! These will be top-notch, really classy facilities, very exclusive. Not just gated, but fenced, too, for maximum protection. And we won’t charge people much for staying there. This will be a big effort, very big, so we’ll need the help of executives who are great builders and know how to run large complexes. I’m calling on the Trump Organization to provide their expertise so we can get accomplish this great mission. I know that Don Jr. and Eric are up to the task. They will get this project done on time and on budget. This major infrastructure initiative will also be a fabulous opportunity to put Americans back to work and rev up the economy. Plus it will be great for the stock market.

This will be a key part of our Getting America Going Again campaign.

You’ll be able to wear buy the hats soon…and I want to see all Americans wearing them. We’re in this together, right? America, relax, you’re in good hands.

No, no questions.

Good night, America.

The Wall Street Democrat

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